Too busy?

I recall a time when my pastor drove away from the gas station with the nozzle and the hose extension still hanging from his car after filling up. I wondered how busy he must have been, or what was going on in his head that distracted him so greatly that kept him from hanging the nozzle back on the pump.

…Monday I wanted to get a lot of stuff done around the house. Some of you know that I have grubs destroying my backyard, so I wanted to address that before the fall. Before I started working, I ran to Ace and got some stuff I needed for another two or three projects I would get to later that day.

I returned home, placed my keys and wallet on the workbench and went out to work. I dethatched my backyard by hand (applause please), then cut the grass a few levels lower to get ready for the grub preventer/fertilizer and new seed. I came back into the garage, pulled down the Speedy Green 1000 and loaded it with the fertilizer did my paces and then spread new kentucky bluegrass all over to try to fill in all the bare spots from the grubs. I dumped all the extra fertilizer back in the back and went off to the next project.

I worked on three or four other projects during the day and then was able to spend the evening with Kara and the kids. It was a pretty productive day overall.

Tuesday morning I could not find my wallet. I looked everywhere in the garage, car, bedroom, kitchen, bag and coats. Nothing. I was a little angry, but more frustrated with myself, this seems to be a regular occurrence with me. I went to coffee with a good friend and shared the story of my frustration. I recounted my day and where I thought my wallet was. I did remember it falling off the workbench with my keys, but I only remember picking up the keys. And there was no sign of the wallet on the floor of the garage.

Then it hit me. I wonder if it fell in the fertilizer? After coffee I drove home and immediately looked in the fertilizer bag. There, buried in the little yellow and brown beads of nitrogen and grub killer sat my wallet, buried up to its neck in the stuff. Recall it was on top of the fertilizer bag… that means it was not buried when I poured all the extra fertilizer back into the bag… that means my wallet was riding around in the Speedy Green 1000 for 2o minutes with me walking around the yard. Sigh.

Kara said it as important for me to keep track of my wallet, but thought my method of keeping it close was a little ridiculous.

Am I too busy? I don’t know. Am I just not paying attention? Likely. Regardless, I am looking forward to some vacation.

Dealing with Disease

My wife Kara was diagnosed with cancer 4 years ago. It was a rare form of cancer where the treatment is almost exclusively surgical, the cells don’t readily respond to radiation or chemo. Kara has been cancer free for 4 years following a surgery at Rush University Hospital. We were very pleased with our surgical oncologist, his heart for healing, his desire to serve those sick and in distress, and his abilities as a surgeon.

This summer, Kara found a lump in upper breast tissue which caused us a good amount of anxiety. Not knowing what lurks beneath the surface in our bodies racked with sin, and with Kara’s history, we could not help but feel fear for what it might be. At Kara’s 4th anniversary she was evaluated by her doctor and he recommended a biopsy. Two weeks later he removed the entire lump, three days later the biopsy showed it to be a benign cyst. Friends were faithful, family prayed and offered care. They were all encouraging and supportive in the not-knowing-ness.

The whole process reminded me that I don’t deal with disease well. I didn’t deal with the sickness well, I worried, got angry, got depressed, cultivated my worry with Google and emedicine articles. I ran from spiritual things and generally tried to avoid the idea of cancer returning to my wife’s body. I was resistant to think about the future and what might be headed our way, I was compelled to revisit the past and remind myself of the surgeon’s work.

In the following days, more and more I thought of this “cancer” in more comprehensive terms. I was again reminded of the cancer we all have, the sin both inherited and actual, that which we are born with and what we commit each day. I could despair, I could worry and be anxious about my sin and the punishment due for my wrong-doings. I could dismiss it as not being that big-a-deal. I could work hard to counter weight all my sin, or try to erase it (Out, out, damn spot!). I could avoid all conversations about it and and resist going to see the [D]octor. I could live in fear of the future, regretting the past, not being present in the present…

However, the gospel (the story of God making peace with mankind through the offering of his Son on our behalf), is good news. In spite of my present sin/my cancer, my future is hopeful (Romans 8:31-34). My past sin has been dealt with–cut out and removed from me, Psalm 103:12. Its present existence in my life (yes, I do presently sin, 1 John 1:10)–is not to be feared or cause me to despair. I am simply dealing with disease. And like my beautiful wife of 11 years, I am not alone in my battle against disease. Accompanying me along the journey is the Great Physician, the Surgeon, the Healer, the Creator, the One who seeks to serve the sick and in distress.

Therefore, I will not despair, I will not fear, I will not be bound by the past, but look hopefully to what lies ahead for those who are in Christ Jesus. People like me. Thanks be to God.

…so I broke my foot

I broke my foot August 6. I was waterskiing on vacation and snapped off the tuberosity of the 5th metatarsal of my left foot. Skiing a little too fast, my body went left and the ski went right. The ski twisted the forefoot and stretched the outer muscles and tendons of my leg, instead of muscle strain the tip of the bone gave out. So a couple of x-rays, an orthopedic doctor, a plastic stormtrooper boot and a month later my leg is atrophied to the point of giving my wife ample opportunities to mock me for my tiny ankle and floppy calf muscles.

What the break has done to my leg it has also done to my spirit. I am weak, frustrated, irritable, annoyed and all around bugged that I can’t do what I want to do. I feel like my spirit has atrophied in the past four weeks. I have to ask others for help, like mowing my lawn, bringing me things around the house, and leaving the house, cars, garage and storage room in general disarray. I want to work. I wan to accomplish. The house needs tending and mending and I can’t do it. Wash and wax the cars, no. Clean out 6 years of stuff in the basement, no. Coach my daughter’s soccer team well, no.

And I suppose (grudgingly agreeing) that is exactly what God desires to do to me. I don’t like it. I don’t welcome it. And I am not interested. So far, I have been pretty resistant to listen and respond. Instead of sitting with Jesus and talking to him about it, I am just sullen. Depressed at times. Wanting to go to bed at 8 pm sometimes. I want to sleep my way to recovery two weeks away. I want this to be over.

My friend Faith, co-worker and co-laborer, shared a quote from something she was reading (I need to ask again and get the page number). The author said essentially that in view of God’s providence we are no longer victims of our suffering, but stewards of it. We become stewards of the financial strain, the relationship in shambles, or in my case the physical malady. I have not stewarded well these past several weeks.

I covet prayer because I ram beginning to realize how much I value my self-suffiecincy, my strength, my physical abilities and health. I have realized how much I value working alone, having things my way, seen my perfectionist tendencies… must I go on? I resist asking for help, letting others care for me, I don’t sit and rest well (it has nearly destroyed me sitting as much as I have).

I need the Spirit to work in me and address these issues. I am not entertaining them well, I am fighting having to “deal” with stuff. What a great time and opportunity to rest in Him, read, memorize, pray, write and meditate. I have yet to engage well with these opportunities.

I Will Lift My Eyes

Bebo Norman
“I Will Lift My Eyes”

God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt

Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in

I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can’t climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You

God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me

Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now

Pre-Release

Mercy

Last night my kids were not good. They were disobedient. And what bothered me most, they were indifferent to their violation of the Nate Code. They could not have cared less about the repercussions of their disobedience.

Today, my heart does not want to forget. I do not want to let bygones be bygones. Part of me wants to go home this afternoon and remind them of how bad they were last night and the punishment that was leveled against them so that they will obey this evening. My self-righteous heart is keeping score and wants to make them feel again the burn of punishment, to feel my holy wrath (yeah, right), to respect me and my wishes by doing what I ask when I ask.

Then the Spirit challenges me to consider God’s mercy. Does God’s mercy keep score? Does he keep a record of wrongs and bring them back up again and again so that I feel bad about it? Does he shame me with the sins of my past (which we will surely not get into here) so that I will behave better today? Yet, a little bit of me wants to do that so the kids behave (read: “so the kids do what I want, what’s convenient for me”). God does not treat us as our sins deserve, he separates us from our sin as far as the east is from the west, if we confess our sin he is faithful and just to forgive.

Yet my stubborn sinful heart does not want to be merciful to my own children. Yet I love them so much. I desire to show them mercy, yes, but sometimes I would rather have control over them. Sometimes I want to assert my [weak] authority instead of serve them in love, teaching them mercy–showing them mercy. Once again the sin of my children sharply reminds me of my sin. Thanks be to God, what a grace, that he would show me my sin and reveal to me his grace in Christ alone.

When I arrive home this evening I must not call to mind again their sin and punishment from last night, using sins of the past to force them into obedience. I will show them mercy. I will show them love. By God’s grace.

New U2 Album

No Line On The Horizon, the new studio album from U2, will be released on Monday 2nd March 2009.

Written and recorded in various locations, No Line On The Horizon is the group’s 12th studio album and is their first release since the 9 million selling album How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb, released in late 2004.

Sessions for No Line On The Horizon began last year in Fez, Morocco, continued in the band’s own studio in Dublin, before moving to New York’s Platinum Sound Recording Studios, and finally being completed at Olympic Studios in London.

The album calls on the production talents of long-time collaborators Brian Eno and Danny Lanois, with additional production by Steve Lillywhite.

More: here and here

An Approaching Retreat

Soul Care

A friend and I are working through a few books by Mindy Caliguire, materials from IVP’s SoulCare Resources. The first book, “Discovering Soul Care” is a bit of a review of the material I had at Wheaton College in my Care of Souls class with Lyle Dorsett. I miss the class and I have missed attending to these areas in my life.

Mindy’s perspective (and I think that she is right) is that all of us is alive: body, mind and soul (or spirit). Our soul is alive and needs nourishing just as our brain, muscles, and organs; they all need proper care and provision of nutrients. Just as we protect our body from the cold, or the heat, or from too much sun, we must also protect our soul from damage. As believers, one of our attentions should be on the condition of our soul. We attend to our home, our cars, our employment, our children and spouses if we have them. Likewise, we must also tend to the needs of our soul.

One of the earliest questions in this book is essentially, “What is the condition of your soul?” and soon after, “What are the symptoms of a healthy soul, or a neglected soul?” These were two good questions to help me process the sinful responses to others in my life, and to the lies that Satan uses to deceive.

For me, when my soul is malnourished, when it is unhealthy, the symptoms that arise are: shame, anger, sexual lust, feelings of despair, and insecurity. When my soul is not being nourished with solitude and silence, with prayer and scripture, with the sweet words of God’s truth from my community, my life begins to reflect these symptoms. I doubt the truths that are in scripture, that are mine because of the work of Christ. I doubt his love for me, his provision for me, and as I stated in the last post, I doubt the forgiveness that is mine in Jesus.

So, as I embark on another expedition to explore my soul with the Holy Spirit, I ask for your prayer. Prayer for God’s peace and assurance, his presence in my life, his grace, sensitivity to the sin in my heart and in my actions, to see how the Lord might shape me more in the likeness of Jesus; and that as Mindy says, “that my level of understanding of truth is equal to my level of surrender”.

His Authority to Forgive

I will be preaching on Mark 2:1-12 in a couple of weeks, during the Festival of the Associate Pastor, the Sunday following Christmas. I’m okay with that. In some ways it is a difficult week to preach since it follows the holiday buzz, many are traveling, the regulars are here with family, the Sunday AM schedule is all messed up, and so on and so forth. But, I decided a while ago to preach the text since I had recently done prep in this area, and it is a busy season, and it sort of fits with the thought flow of Christmas.

I am enjoying getting back into that text, revisiting some of the things that I thought about months ago, and how since then I have changed spiritually. It has been awesome for me to hear again the good news of the gospel for me.

I sometimes struggle with really knowing the forgiveness that is mine in Christ, that he has the authority to forgive me. I struggle to believe 1 John 1:9, “that if I confess my sins he is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” I sometimes believe that that forgiveness is not full, or true, or complete. I discount the cross when I don’t believe that it reaches ALL my sin, I discount the power of God when I think the forgiveness is only partial, I discount his love for me and his grace toward me when I don’t believe that it is true.

Mark 2:1-11 reminds me of the truth that he does in fact have the authority to forgive, so does Psalm 51:1-12; 55:1-8; 103:1-14 and so many more passages. God does not ask permission, he is the end all, it is his word his promises. That is such good news to my perfectionist, failed, broken, and doubting heart.

Well, more to come later I am sure.