My Sin… Again.

It has been a difficult week for me, maybe even week and a half or two. I have been battling in my heart with sin. A lot. I hate the battling, yet disturbingly I enjoy my sin sometimes, at other times I don’t care at all… I hate that.

I feel completely polarized in my spiritual life at times, like Paul in Romans 7… sometimes I want to repent, sometimes I don’t. I see the battle in me of the old man and the new man. Often in the midst of my sin, or just after some violation, blow up, or impure thought or action I have a deep sense of guilt and shame, sadness or regret. Soon, God’s presence is very real to me and I am able to be refereshed by the gospel waterfall, the sheer tonnage of God’s grace for me is overwhelming and wonderful. Yet I find myself back in the same place again soon after.

I think where I land is, that I don’t find joy in what God has done in Christ for my salvation. It is a nice gesture in my mind rather than the triune God rending himself for me at the cross. It was my sin that held him there, it was by his wounds that I am healed…

That sometimes takes a long time to soak in and be real to be, be present to me. I must run to that and confess my sin, repent of it and have Him kill it. And as often as I resist and as often I seem to want to be in my sin, God continues to convict me of my sin, and thankfully gives me a greater desire to be free of it, to take it from me and for me and to restore me. Scripture has been a good reminder to me these days (I wish I came to that realization more and quicker in my life), and I need to continually come back to those truths that I often forget.

God is good.

~ by Nate on April 4, 2008.