Jesus Loves Me, This I’m Learning
I want to fix me and others in my life. I think I know better in regard to them for what they are supposed to do. In regard to me, I want to be fixed so I stop sinning as I hurt others and as I dishonor God. I think I am learning that being fixed is not what we are invited to. In talking with more and more older men, I am realizing that they all still struggle in many ways, they are not fixed, they are still undone. Sometimes the brokenness is the same way they have struggled for years: anger, control, lust, indifference, unbelief and so much more. They are living in the tension of brokenness, being pulled by their sin and their love of God.
I think that dependent middle is what I am realizing that I must embrace. Being dependent on him for all things, for forgiveness, for power to live and love, for conquering and hating sin, and knowing it will never be “finished” this side of heaven. There is always more, one more moment, one more opportunity, another day, another chance to repent of my sin. However, I am not a joyful repenter, most often I am an ashamed and guit-ridden repenter. I have a hard time believing that God welcomes me back after my repeated sins, or where in my experience I don’t feel that I am gaining holy ground (can you hear the perfectionist do-er in me?!).
Then again even as I write I am reminded of how much I want my daughters to repent to me, especially willingly and humbly. I know how ready I am to receive them when they do, and even when they only understand just a portion of their sin. Then I am reminded of Matthew as I look at myself, the broken, sinful dad who knows how to give good gifts to his kids, how much more does God in heaven our perfect Father desire to give us good things? Matthew 7 has been repeating in my mind over and over again these weeks.
God calls me to repeatedly offer forgiveness, 70×7 he says (Matthew 18:22). How could he ask me to do that if he was not willing to do the very same thing on my behalf and toward others with whom I interact? Is he not holy, perfect, loving and willing to forgive over and over again in relation to him?! I can therefore learn to repent quickly and readily, with joy knowing that he offers forgiveness to me instead of repenting ashamedly and with resistance thinking he might not welcome me back this time… and then, in my realtionships with others, I can offer that forgiveness and reconciliation because God has already perfectly done that for me in the person of Jesus.
Praise be to God.
