In weeks past and in many personal conversations I have shared that each year I go away for 5-7 days to the Northwoods of Wisconsin. It is a time of rest and refreshment. Generally my time away is spent in reading and study of the Bible, prayer, journaling, creative writing, personal worship, sleep, reviewing my ministry calling and recreation.

My wife is generous enough to allow me time away from her and my kids to tend to these things. It is costly for us. It is a financial commitment, a time investment, and it takes away from my time with the kids and with my wife.

Every year it seems that I fight leaving because of the demands of the family, sickness or scheduling, or it is related to ministry and the feeling that I need to be present here. But Kara and I have counted the cost, considered the financial investment, the impact on the family and it is worth it. So when I feel pressured to stay, she encourages me to go.

I know that in the context of ministry I need these times with God… I engage in retreat because Jesus demonstrates it and because it is life-giving to me. More coming…in the mean time, check out this site: Sabbath Manifesto

I am enjoying getting back into that text, revisiting some of the things that I thought about months ago, and how since then I have changed spiritually. It has been awesome for me to hear again the good news of the gospel for me.

I sometimes struggle with really knowing the forgiveness that is mine in Christ, that he has the authority to forgive me. I struggle to believe 1 John 1:9, “that if I confess my sins he is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” I sometimes believe that that forgiveness is not full, or true, or complete. I discount the cross when I don’t believe that it reaches ALL my sin, I discount the power of God when I think the forgiveness is only partial, I discount his love for me and his grace toward me when I don’t believe that it is true.

Mark 2:1-11 reminds me of the truth that he does in fact have the authority to forgive, so does Psalm 51:1-12; 55:1-8; 103:1-14 and so many more passages. God does not ask permission, he is the end all, it is his word his promises. That is such good news to my perfectionist, failed, broken, and doubting heart.

Well, more to come later I am sure.

Amy helped me make the pancakes today and we even got mom to try them! I think we might have convinced her to join the pancake crew on Saturday mornings. All day we’ve been lounging around, spending time wrestling and cuddling on the couch. Natalie is better, Amy is as crazy and as affectionate as ever when it comes to Lindsey, Lindsey has been near perfect, resting, eating, and just being cute.

I was in the city Wednesday with some men from the presbytery and with a new found friend from World Harvest. The conversation floated around ministry and our investment as pastors in the lives of our congregants. We talked about Sonship, gospel-centered living and ministry, curriculum, and other stuff. Then the  conversation got personal and our lunch host challenged us, “Who are the men in your life that know you, that ask you hard questions, that pray for you, that minister to you?” He talked about men with whom he made a covenant to meet and pray for, for ten years. He and other men agreed to meet and minister to one another for ten years, trekking to a retreat in Canada to recharge, refuel and remind each other of the gospel.

As the sharing went on, we were reminded of the moral failures within our community, the ministry burnout, the jaded hearts of men in vocational ministry. I was in that dialog reminded of why I need men in my life to know me and to pray for me. I was reminded why I meet my friend and co-laborer for coffee each Friday, why I go ice climbing with my brothers every winter, and why pint-nights are essential to my health and growth not just as a man, but as a husband, father, coach, friend, and pastor.

In reading Nouwen’s book, Advent and Christmas, I am reminded in today’s reading (Day 6) to be in community. Sadly, I have been out of true community for a while. My life has gotten busy, my world has changed, other men in my world are strained and beaten, … what better time to be part of a mens’ community? It is NOW, that I need men that can hear my desperation, my sin, my heart for the gospel, the joy and love that I have for my wife, and my ever need for Jesus.

We must create community: we must talk about it, we must foster it, cultivate it, seek it, offer it to others, and confront all enemies that challenge it.

So now we enter into the new rhythm of life. We’ve been on hiatus from normalcy for some time, now it is time to find and establish our new normal. What will life be like with 5 of us? How will the girls help? What new chores will they need to help out around the house and with Lindsey. What will Lindsey’s personality be like? We enter into a fun stage in my mind (despite the issues of feeding, crying, lack of sleep, etc.) I am genuinely looking forward to this new adventure.

God has given me the grace already that I need to be a father of three girls. Learning patience, care, affection and discipline has been difficult for me in the past. I feel just now that I am understanding more of what it might require of me to care for all my women well. I am learning again the joy of serving Kara, ministering to her, alleviating her of tasks or worries that allow her to come alive as a mother. I am so thankful for her, for our three precious daughters, and look forward to the coming years.

So, there are obviously things that are happening which are good and such a blessing. I just feel unrest in my soul these days. I don’t feel the rhythms that a personality like mine needs: regular rest, exercise, diet, regular meetings, reading time, study and prep time. I feel behind in just about everything. I am learning my place at the church as well, learning what an associate pastor does, his role and advocacy for those with whom he comes in contact.

I do plan to spend some digital equity on my time of examination and ordination, I beg your patience! :)

I promise to write more. Kara is out of town this weekend and the quiet evenings may be just what I need to capture the pages recently written in God’s Never-Ending Story. It inculdes my wife and children, my family, my dearest friends, the congregation that I love, my mentors and spiritual directors, my pastors… God is writing my pages and these are the characters in “Nate’s Chapter”…

He did say I needed to cut back on my coffee intake. Pssh. Right. Okay, he’s right, but I’ll just be moving to decaf I am sure. It is a little difficult when my life and work is to meet with people, encourage, build up, care for, counsel, or teach them at their convenience. Most often that is over coffee or over lunch since many cannot take time away from their regular job to meet.

Looks like I’ll just need to order more decaf frappes, or strawberry coolers in the future instead of my regular 5-shot “Double Shot” from Sbux. Sigh.

The Great Divorce is a bus ride from hell to heaven. Those in hell can come to heaven and experience it firsthand. They are all ghosts and so heaven is more real, solid and powerful than they can know. To walk on the grass is painful for the ghosts from hell. Each is met in heaven by an angel and the sin of each ghost is challenged by an angel.

The story of the man and lizard is my story. It is the story of man who’s inner lizard is poisoning his mind, conniving, convincing, tempting the man. The man is led away, until destruction ultimately, by the lies of the lizard, “You’ll be happier doing this…” or, “You must have this, it is yours, you deserve it.” or, “You cannot be here, you should not be here, you are too great a sinner”. The man’s passions are ruling him and ruining him.

The angel approaches the lizard with desire to kill it. The man must give permission for the burning hot, massive angel to destroy the lizard, to kill it. The man resists over and over again. Having grown comfortable with the company of the lizard, he is unwilling to let it go. Over and over again are the excuses for not killing the lizard, “Not today, I must be in good health”, “Let me get another opinion”, It will hurt too much and possibly kill me”.

The angel persists with the man, wanting to free him and kill this thing.

I am the man and I am protecting poisonous lizards all the time. I keep them as pets, I think they will not hurt me, I enjoy the company. And the Angel of the Lord desires to kill it and free me. He, in love, continues to ask, “May I kill it?” I keep saying not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Tomorrow. I must be well. If you kill it, you will also kill me.

I read the passage this morning and I wept. I wept because as the story goes, the man concedes to the angel, the burning hot angel approaches, grabs the lizard and breaks its back, throwing it to the ground. In new found freedom, the ghost slowly turns into a man. He begins to form and to be solid, to be real. He sinks into the grass and it does not hurt. In reading the resurrection of this man I wept profusely, wanting to be free like this man, free of my sin and guilt, free of my hurts and regrets, wanting to find true and full satisfaction in God alone, rather than in anything that he gives.

The lizard is also redeemed. It reforms and transforms into a massive stallion on which the man rides. Horse and master breathed each into the other’s nostrils. The man turned from it, flung himself and the feet of the Burning one, and embraced them. Then the two ride into the great plain toward the foothills of the mountains, into the rose-brightness of that everlasting morning.

There is so much more in this one chapter, I encourage you to read it. Read the lot. It is a wonderful image and incredible encouragement. More to come on this…